What would RTH do?

That is the question.

If I were in a highschool yearbook, they would vote me most likely to die of a lynch mob. That does not prevent me from opening my mouth and serving a warm hearty cup of STFU to people who deserve it. My dark scathing humor will leave no matter of existence untouched. My innocence will touch your soul.

Welcome to a warped world turned inside out and upside down. All sorts of discretion advised.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Profiling 101

I'm quite miffed that they detained Shahrukh Khan at the airport for hours. Don't get me wrong, while I am a fan - I am not upset that they detained the next best thing to God. I'm more perturbed by the logic of the detention. You see I'm half Hindu and half Good Jew (read Gujju). I'm with millions of people across the globe, some who really are Good Jews for whom the KKK forms the holy trinity. My KKK is Shahrukh (K)han , Aamir (K)han and Salman (K)han. Of course its a flexible cult some people interchange one with Saif (K). Some like their (K)hans (K)apoored.

The media keeps comparing Shahrukh Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, but in the truest sense it would be like frisking Jesus Christ at an airport. Maybe thats a bit too far, but I'm sure people would not approve if the Pope ever were to be detained. The KKK are like our hope, dope and pope in one. So you see the gravity. The thing is I would strap dynamite to myself and blow myself up for Shahrukh and so would millions of other people. Its a good thing we are a very tolerant group of people. If not can you imagine people driving their cars into cellphone towers? Imagine the mass chaos when thousands of turbulent teens can no longer type, twitter and text on their phones. So you can see why I am miffed. This utter lack of intelligence almost brought about the end of days.

Anyway this was not the intent of this rant. It was all said and done. The world was saved from doom and I've tucked away my dynamite for a more pressing sacrifice. However, the repercussions of any near catastrophe are overwhelming. People have bounced of many ideas to retaliate. One idea that I am particularly fond of is detaining Hollywood celebrities for questioning. Since we have no real questions or reasons we have to come up with excuses. I'm really up for Tom Cruise being detained for an improptu Seedhi Baat on Scientology, or maybe they can do some sansanati khulasa on Lady Gaga, if its Oprah we can ship our entire government for some therapy. It is not a bad idea at all.

Now some retaliations were down right confuzzling. Case in point - they burnt an effigy of Obama somewhere in Bihar. He's a black man, his father is a Muslim, he just got slammed for defending another black man - but he is the reason why Shahrukh was detained and there is some sort of glorious justice in burning his effigy to make a point. Up until the burning of Bush and Cheney effigies I was thrilled and ecstatic that Indians were brilliant to see what a bunch of scoundrels Republicans are. Now I am having serious doubts about their intellect.

As far as I can see, they are no more or less profilers than the security in American airports. The security here sees the color of your skin and pulls you aside to frisk you. Intelligence could be smarter and make security and air travel more efficient with better system of checks than lets harass all those who look remotely Middle Eastern. Similarly, these citizens and politicians in India hear USA and make judgments on you. Something goes wrong, blame Americans. Shahrukh is detained, blame Americans as if the entire country is engaged in one big conspiracy to disgrace the next best thing to God. Heck our President could be a black blind paraplegic Muslim lesbian and they would still burn effigies because she is the President of the United States. Apparently the President of the United States has some sort of moral, legal, social and come what may obligation for the welfare of Indians across the globe. No wonder Bush went senile from day one, thats a tough job.

Anyway, thats the moral of the story - when you have nothing to do worthwile - pick someone to harass and profile. I'm smart, witty and awesome and I shall profile and demean all those less intelligent and ask them stupid question.

Heres a crash course in profiling. Profiling 101. Its really easy, you just have to convince yourself that someone ought to be blamed for everything and treat them suspiciously because they might do something blameworthy.

Step 1: Pick one or more nouns from 'A' and hate them for one or more reasons on 'B'

A: Niggers, Kikes, Faggots, Micks, Pakkies, Hoosiers, Rednecks, Blondes, Left Handers, Elvis Impersonators, People named Bob (I mean you an really put anyone here, heck you could even say everyone you know)

B: stupid, smelly, so gay, ugly, fugly, creepy, poor, rich, liar, thief, stole your job, slept with your wife, are actually smarter better and prettier than you are (You can make it up really, you can hate Bobs because the sky is blue)

Step 2: Throw a big fit hue and cry when you see someone else following step 1. Show moral superiority and tell them that they ought to grow up and see the light.


Now as I teach you to profile, our great intelligence is going to start spying on me to see where I hid my dynamite. They think I'm serious, and they think this statement is a ploy to throw them off. Don't do this on your blog. The intelligence is not that intelligent, and they don't get humor. I hear they do not laugh. They are lean mean killing machines and I just made myself likely to be shot by CIA sniper.

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