What would RTH do?

That is the question.

If I were in a highschool yearbook, they would vote me most likely to die of a lynch mob. That does not prevent me from opening my mouth and serving a warm hearty cup of STFU to people who deserve it. My dark scathing humor will leave no matter of existence untouched. My innocence will touch your soul.

Welcome to a warped world turned inside out and upside down. All sorts of discretion advised.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Devilish Blasphemy

Got Heathen?
Will save soul!
The Gospel Makes Good Weapons!

I think I have been slowly learning why we intellectual nerds are often fixated on the impending doom of Zombie apocalypses. We spend a lot of time reading books like Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, the Zombie survival guide; watch all the zombie flicks, and play video games killing Natzi zombies. There actually is a darn good reason that we do it. You see legend has it that zombies feast on brains. Yes they feed on the flesh, but fresh brains they crave. Considering that we are the only people in the world left with any, its a good reason for us to be scared.

Picture Caption: Sunday School

These book thumpers can predict any prophetic doom they desire like mysterious plagues, curses and raptures. It is only we intellectuals who know that while the mindless book thumping freaks get plagued by the infestation and turn into blood thirsty zombies craving for the delicious brains they never had, we will be the ones succeeding earth and fighting for survival. I mean sometimes when you look at these book thumpers, don't you get the feeling that they are almost 90% there into zombiedom. The glazed glassy look in their eyes. That movement in rabid flock. The repeating of the same nonsensical phrases. That inhumane anger.

I've understood that if I am most likely to die at the hands of a lynch mob, there are plenty of morons out there likely to get bitten by a mad cow and turn into ravaging zombies. They do not eat cow, but they are almost there.

Picture Caption: Warriors of God studying best angles to throw the gospel for maximum impact.

So until the zombie infestation sets in, I try my best to inject some brains into the lifeless masses floating around on earth. As Annie Camden once described her daughter Mary 'diabolical but good'. I am one of those Satan's little saints. Diabolique is my name, riling is my game, saving souls is my claim to fame. Thats why whenever I place a bet or give out loans, I ask people to stake their eternal souls. I've collected quite a few souls all these years. People will be glad theyir eternal goodness is in such capable hands.

Its not easy trying to singlehandedly save the world with rationality. People are averse to it. They are Hillary Faye filled with God's love and are ready to fling the scriptures at you, right at the back of your head when you turn away in disgust. Thats how they fill you with God's love.

They often tell me I am going to go to hell. Welcome to the ninth gate I say. Hell is just as good as any place on earth. Honestly, I'm kind of terrified of going to heaven. A lot of weird, twisted, strange people rooting to go to heaven. It seems to be a very scary place. I'm creeped out by the people I might meet in heaven. As far as I know, all good people I have known so far are apparently going to hell. So I think its a safe bet. They say we will be tortured in hell. I'm just picturing it to be either one large S&M club or filled with people who tease but do not put out. As I say, just as good as any place on earth. We also hear things like hot as hell and cold as hell. I'm picturing the hot and cold cancelling each other out and making it delightfully pleasant.

Some of you must be wondering why I'm terrified of people in heaven. Well you know, I just learned that if these heavenly people were allowed to rule the world - Middle Earth would be no more and the Galactic Empire would have taken over the Universe by now.

For example I was made aware of an important caveat that even the noblest and greatest of heroes on whose shoulder the fate of the world lies on is not allowed to say no to his father. Can you imagine the disastrous consequences of such rules. The entire universe would spin out of alignment.

Picture this - Luke Skywalker is battling Darth Vader at Bespin. Han Solo lays frozen in Carbonite. Leia is torn apart. Chewy is devastated.

Lord Vader: I am your father Luke.
Luke: No
Lord Vader: Its true. Obi-Wan lied.
Luke: O Rly?
Lord Vader: Now come join the dark side. Let us fight side by side father and son.
Luke: Yoda 1, Verse 23 Obey thy father. I understand and obey father.

Oh what a catastrophe. Looks like Empire really struck back and there will be no return of the Jedi.

Photo Caption: Darth Vader pulls out his ace card and tempts Frodo with a slice of heaven for being a dutiful son.

Picture this - Frodo and Sam have traveled across perilous terrain, battled death, and force ahead to Mordor. Two small insignificant hobbits, with the fate of the entire world in their hands. Trudging forward with the hope, that there is some good left in this world. By destroying the ring they can save the world.

Frodo: Let us go, please!
Sam: Let the Captain of Gondor show his quality.
FaRAMir: Fuck quality. My father wants the fucking ring, he gets the fucking ring.
Frodo: Please the fate of middle earth depends on this.
FaRAMir: Fuck Middle Earth. Middle Earth can go to hell. Obedient sons go to heaven.
Sam: Do we know if heaven and earth exist for Middle Earth.
FaRAMir: Fuck you! Don't question the rule of God.

Meanwhile Arwen also listened to her father and left Middle Earth. Aragorn was heartbroken and refused to fight. Minas Tirith was crushed. And thus Sauron used scripture to plunge middle earth into his darkness. So you see what I mean terrifying. It makes our adorable little Faramir more schizo than Gollum and the lovable Luke cackle like the Emperor.

Picture Caption: FaRAMir asks Frodo to give him the fucking ring.

Blasphemy. Its whats for dinner. Ticket to hell was never funnier. For God gave you brains, and wants you to use it. Opposable thumbs, biotches suck on it. Middle fingers, respectable salutes to my friends. Hope you survive heaven. Its a party in hell for us.

Disclaimer: No Zombies or zombie books harmed in this project, even if they deserved to be bludgeoned. If you do not have a sense of humor, you have been deeply offended by this and I am sorry. Not for offending you, but because God failed to give you a sense of humor. I am diabolical, but still good. If you get what that means, you understand the tender soul within. From the bottom of my heart, may you live long and prosper.

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