What would RTH do?

That is the question.

If I were in a highschool yearbook, they would vote me most likely to die of a lynch mob. That does not prevent me from opening my mouth and serving a warm hearty cup of STFU to people who deserve it. My dark scathing humor will leave no matter of existence untouched. My innocence will touch your soul.

Welcome to a warped world turned inside out and upside down. All sorts of discretion advised.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Raped in the face

Ever since I heard the infamous song in Hamlet 2, I have been curious of what one meant by being raped in the face. Quite a peculiar statement to make, or so I thought. Until recently, I have been compelled to experience such violations of my oral cavity.

Now while I have a great propensity towards technology and technological gadgets like computers, i-pods, and smart phones there are certain areas where the line is drawn. One such technological invention that has always perturbed me is the electrical toothbrush, mechanical toothbrush or whatever you call it.

I enjoy brushing my teeth. In fact brushing my teeth to me is something like me time. For some reason I extract the very same pleasure out of brushing my teeth that women extract from spa treatments or such. Not that my teeth are any cleaner due to this. As a matter of fact they are very much coffee stained. But brushing my teeth is a pleasurable activity.

For example in the morning I like to have a brush hanging from my mouth as I gaze into the mirror with a glassy look in my eyes. I like to dangle a brush in my mouth and see if I can maneuver it with my tongue in order to brush. I like to be in control and in charge. Sometimes, I like to chomp down hard on the bristles and the rubbery back of a brush and show it who's boss. It may make my gums bleed but the bite marks on it speak volumes. There are also those times I like to take a good half hour to brush my teeth because the oral stimulation is simultaneously causing me to post something very interesting online. Then there are also those moments where I just like to streak the brush across my incisors and run off, because I am running late as usual. So these are the many little ways in which I extract little pleasures of life from brushing my teeth. An activity that needs to modern technology. It is pleasurable without gadgets.

Unfortunately, my family swears by these electric brush thingies. They bought me one once and it mysteriously got lost in a few days. They have been pestering me to buy a new mechanical brush thingie for a very long time now. Finally my dad broke down and decided to drop ninety dollars at Costco to get me a Sonic Care brush. The latest. Apparently it is supposed to work wonders for my oral cavity.

So now I have a ninety dollar piece of equipment that I am obligated to use. I turned it on and it was quite terrifying really. The bristles rotate rapidly, and I am kind of worried that I cannot chomp down on it. The piece of equipment is pretty heavy. I don't think my tongue can maneuver it, nor do I think that it would be conducive to lolling in the mouth and staring about. It looks like a vibrator, but for a different purpose and cavity.

I inserted it in and then I experienced the agony. A mini vibrator in my oral cavity was raping my face. It took a life of its own and explored around on its own. All the while buzzing and rubbing around in an extremely violating manner. It thrust itself on its own, grinding over my teeth, proclaiming loudly that the new overlord of the oral cavity had arrived. Worst, it did not believe in quickies, doing its job and getting out. It feels the need to take its time and has some sort of timer built in. It won't stop till its done what it intended to. My mouth dribbles and drips with foamy white liquid. I have not figured out yet when and how to spit it out in this terrifying cycle.

So there it was, technology had raped me in the face. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go rape my face. I have to rape my face twice a day. Bleeding and cramps won't stop it. I have to rape my face.


dudu! said...

now i knw wat raped in face mean :D

Ginger said...

Had a hearty laugh! I am awed by your writing.