What would RTH do?

That is the question.

If I were in a highschool yearbook, they would vote me most likely to die of a lynch mob. That does not prevent me from opening my mouth and serving a warm hearty cup of STFU to people who deserve it. My dark scathing humor will leave no matter of existence untouched. My innocence will touch your soul.

Welcome to a warped world turned inside out and upside down. All sorts of discretion advised.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Beware of the Lolita

Nabakov's Lolita is perhaps the most controversial character in literary history. Is she really the victim of sexual abuse, an innocent girl whose carefree childhood was stolen from her? Or is she a cruel and cunning sexually precocious young girl who would prey on men who would show the slightest weakness for her?

It is all in the past though. The classical Lolita begins in quaint old New England and travels across the conservative landscape of North America. It was a time of penitentiary institutions and the Golden age of the motels. The cold war was in full swing and the Soviet Union stood mighty. Indeed it was a different time. A time of blacks and whites and all the shades of gray.

Photo Caption: Our Brave New World

With the advent of the internet the layout of the world has changed. Oh it is a whole new world now. Columbus would for sure accidentally stumble upon some piece of land, but it is not certain that he would have the opportunity to claim America. He could have as well been greeted by natives of a strange isle of slash wielding banners proclaiming 'All Your Base Belong to Us'.

If you think land is rough, traversing the seas is even rougher. There is the sea of culture, ocean of sub culture, the deadly viral straits and then the terrifying noob sea. Even Bartholomew and Captain cook would be in dire straits navigating these waters. I guess you could navigate these with Jack Sparrow's wacky compass. Although you might have to be extra careful, because most of you are probably looking for free porn and letting the compass lead you to what you want could result in a lot of viruses. As you have heard, there is no such thing as safe sites.

Either way the point being Humbert Humbert and Lolita both had it easy. It might sound insensitive and cruel, but seriously, they had it good in their times. Things were much simpler and clear cut back in those days. Lolita meet Humbert Humbert, creepy old literary guy who finds you disturbingly attractive. As a matter of fact Lolita all literary types get no action and are creepy types who find even bubble wrap to be a major turn on. Humbert Humbert meet Lolita, your average teenager. She is a firecracker this one, she will lure you like a siren beckoning the might ships and you will crash on the rocky shores, with your world smashed into pieces while she gleefully relishes the crumbling pieces of your ship. Alright, Humbert Humbert was a creeptacular pedophile jerk, but you he did have it harder. I mean come on, how is one to know that sweet innocent little average teen is going to crash and burn your ship.

Unfortunately, it is not that easy for any of us. Not even the Lolita's amidst us. Our is the mad world of the internet that would have Captain Cook lost remember. So for our wonderful world of the world wide webs called the internets, our classic lovely Lolita storyline is kicked up a few notches as illustrated in the dark psychological thriller Hard Candy.

Photo Caption: Wolf Trap Hood

Little Red Riding hood or her grandma never made the big bad wolf cower in fear like Hayley Stark makes Jeff Kohlver pee in his pants. The poor guy is kidnapped by a fourteen year old Lolita, is almost castrated and ends up having to tie a noose around his own neck and commit suicide. All because Little Red Riding Hood could see right away that grandma was no grandma but a wolf. Granted Jeff Kohlver is creeptacular, even more than Humbert Humbert. While Humbert Humbert was devoted to Lolita, Jeff Kohlver is really a big bad wolf who has devoured a little girl in cold blood before; devoured unto death after carnal satisfaction that is. You are not meant to feel sorry for Jeff, he deserved to die.

But the fact remains that there is hard candy littered all over out there. Delicious, sweet, enticing sugar rush. Maybelline and Cover up, making it hard to discern 14 from 24 to 34. Even every decent adult probably shudders at the thought of accidentally biting into some real Hard Candy.

Although don't just take Beware of the Lolita at face value. Lolita is merely a symbol. A harmless hapless alluring front to a rabbit hole that is much deeper and sinister than Alice would have ever imagined. Chase them rabbits carelessly and you could find yourself falling and falling and falling so long that your probably not in your senses to feel the crunch when you hit rock bottom and burrow six feet below it.

Beware of the Lolita, I've often joked to other friends who have plumbed the depths of the internet from rule 1 to rule 34, from all your bases to end of the world, from all the cups and saucers and jars out there. See when you can read the map of the internets you know what to do in case of zombie apocalypses and when raptors attack.

Photo Caption: Web intersection hazard sign

Although, work experience has made me realize not every one is really as worldly astute. I'm not sure which ones I find more scarier, 12 year old AOL'ers or 12 year old Twihard slash shippers with literary skills sharper than a surrealist Russian novelist. ZOMFG! Here is mah emale address send mah an emale I havta shoya mah nu piecred tits. WTF! Yeah! It is terrifying to receive those responses, especially when you thought you were discussing health care reform that lead to mammograms that led to tits and now someone wants to email their tits to everyone. But even scarier is when you stumble across some of the finest literary gay porn between vampires and pack of wolves, using sophisticated words like precipitous, brusque, lithe, morose, predilection, sycophant and myriad - where the people do not have blue eyes but deep cerulean or orbs of turquoise. Its the type of content that is racy and scholarly enough to make a porn star as well as honors literature graduate feel inadequate.

But that is not the most disturbing part. Teenagers online are considered deadlier than nuclear waste. Peter Steiner a cartoonist for the New Yorker created the most potent message about modern cyberculture "On the Internet, Nobody knows you are a dog" or as the Chinese say "On the Internet, Everyone knows you are a dog". It really depends on social perspective. The truth is that its a dog eat world out there. Dogs, Wolves, Grandmas, Red Riding Hoods, Lolitas, what have you.

Photo Caption: Dog, Wolf, Hyena, Hood, Grandma, Cougar, Chicken, Duck, Goose, Spade, Queen of Hearts, the Red Queen, the Dodo, a Mock Turtle, The Jabberwocky - who's stalking you in your wonderland?

Whenever I email a fellow ex-relay operator I mockingly greet them "It me my love. I love you my love. Come online now my love. Send me money my love". Its stark and dark and morbid, but its the kind of dark humor that gets you through a day of human idiocracy where you see desperate men and women fall for 419 scam meisters. I've seen women sponsor and marry men they met in some online hookup site only to find that they were scammed and used by married men or criminals to get access to USA and fleece them of their money. I'm not just talking trailer trash, but real educated men and women. Of course the love scams are lightened with stuff like 'dadgotrolled@yahoo.com' about a guy whose father was trampled by elephants and then steamrolled in Africa and now he needs the body shipped back to the states. Yeah thats right, and theres people out there buying and selling armies which led me to innocuously proclaim that only one human was consumer sized - thereby saying that it was perhaps a normal everyday transaction to trade a human.

The bottom line of it all is that Beware of Lolita is a dark satire, a joke on the world we live in, a pun on all the internet memes that our world is steeped in. Its starkly funny, it is somewhat ironic, it can be rabidly sarcastic or morosely lamenting. It is food for thought though, food for serious thought. Who is the dog that nobody knows or who is the dog everyone is aware of? Who is hiding under the red riding hood? Who is dear old grandma? Who is the sweet flirtatious teen? Who is the smart witty man or woman overseas, that is oh so charming?

It could be the conventional cat and mouse game....where the swift cat devours a timid mouse.....or we could have a taste of hard candy......or a mouse hunting a cat.......

Photo Caption: If Hollywood reflected reality - you got mail!

Finally before wrapping things up, lets flip over Lolita's coin. Ask yourself, how did you hear the story of Lolita? It was a tale narrated by Humbert Humbert. It was his twisted and disturbing, yet emotionally wrenching story. It is through the words of this literary genius that you see the world of a disturbed yet committed man whose heart is broken by the object of his affection. It is Humbert Humbert who tells us about the cruel who seduced him and broke his heart. It is Humbert Humbert who tells us of his pain, and how even after the betrayal and the years gone by - he loves her dearly and goes to help her in her time of need.

But what about Lolita's story? How would she narrate her tale. What was a hapless teenage girl to do? Her stepfather married her mother only to seduce the daughter. With a dead mother she is compelled to accept a lecherous man as her stepfather. With threats of reform school what is an orphaned teen to do but succumb to the demands, and pretend that everything is well. Being sexually used by a stepfather what would one do but take help from the first person who offers it. If he turns out to be the villain, what was she to do but choose to seek salvation in the lesser evil of her life. We have taken Humbert's story at face value. We have made his tale literary legend. In the process though Lolita's voice is lost. No one knows her story. No one knows what Lolita would say about her life. Would we still be wary of her, or would we shed tears upon her plight.

Before we leave, I will leave you with a lighter, happier note. One with the infinite possibilities of the internets. If the world is an MMO, then the purpose is to take on a role or many infinite roles too. WOW! What a Second Life!

Sunday, February 14, 2010


My system feels overwhelmed and clogged. Often I find myself like Alice in Wonderland, unable to explain myself, for I am not myself. The cakes and potions may make me shrink and expand, to become tall and short, the queens and kings may wage wars and go off with my heads, the Mad Hatter and his party may create chaos, the Chesire cat may lead me in both directions - but inside within me I ought to be a constant.

This constant feel stirred and shaken virtually. There is a disturbance in the force, like Anakin Skywalker led to the dark side.

The Jedi knight shall always follow the Jedi code and ease the disturbance, find harmony with the force once again. To realign the senses and find inner Zen.

There is no emotion, there is peace: Emotion cannot take away peace. A Jedi will not let any emotions stray them from the path of righteous peace.

There is no ignorance, there is knowledge: As Master Yoda said 'Truly wonderful the mind of a child is'. A Jedi is urged to feel, not think. Knowledge can be found in the most unexpected places, even in the wondrous childlike ignorance.

There is no passion, there is serenity: Passion stirs the mind and prevents inner serenity and tranquility. The Jedi has no room for thoughts that disturb serenity.

There is no chaos, there is harmony: Life is a cycle of balance. Even in the most extreme circumstances when order falls apart into chaos, the cycle of balance is interconnected in perfect harmony.

There is no death, there is the force: One never dies, Jedi only becomes one with the force.

The Jedi use their powers to defend and protect: When there is the weak oppressed by the mighty the Jedi will always defend and protect. There is no harm in a Jedi's path, only goodwill.

The Jedi respect all life, in any form: From the mightiest beast to the most microscopic creatures, from the greatest saints to intergalactic thugs, a Jedi shall view and treat all life with respect, irrespective of the consequence.

The Jedi serve others, not rule them: A Jedi is always there to serve. A Jedi's path is of compassion and will serve all life in need, with dignity and honor.

The Jedi seek to improve themselves through knowledge and training: A Jedi trains the mind and heart, seeking wisdom and endurance each day, to wake up the next as a better knight of the force.

As great masters have said
Let there be truth between your heart and the Force. All else is transitory

When a Jedi behaves badly in public, an observer might think, 'If this Jedi is a representative of the whole Order, then plainly no Jedi is worth respect.' On meeting a second Jedi, who behaves better than the first, that same person might think, 'Does this say that half the Jedi are good, and half bad?' On meeting a third Jedi, who behaves as well as the second, the person thinks, 'Was the first Jedi an exception, then?' In this way, only by the good behavior of several Jedi can the public be certain that the poor behavior of one Jedi was unusual. Thus, it takes many Jedi to undo the mistakes of one

Learn to recognize when speed is not important. Race when being first is important; move at your own pace at all other times. It is not necessary to always strike the first blow, to provide the first solution, or to reach a goal before anyone else does. In fact, it is sometimes vital to strike the last blow, to give the final answer, or to arrive after everyone else

Do not see a lightsaber duel as a choice between winning and losing. Every duel can have many, many outcomes. When you concentrate solely on winning—in lightsaber duels as in everything else—you sully your victory. Winning becomes worse than losing. It is better to lose than to win badly. And it is always better to end a duel peacefully than to win or lose

The acceptance of others is not a guarantee. Like everyone else, a Jedi is accepted or not based on his behavior. The Jedi who believes that he is more important than others only demonstrates that his opinion is to be ignored.

And shepherds we shall be, for the force. Power hath descended forth from the force, that our feet may swiftly carry out the will of the force. So we shall flow a river forth to the force, and teeming with souls shall it ever be.

Veritas and Aequitas

I shall be away from all prejudice, judgment, and negativity.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

An Open Letter

To the head of Douchebags International Collective Konsortium,

RE: 2010 Douchebag Nomination


The esteemed art of douchbaggery is a rare and prestigious gift. A gift with the delicate art to word vomiting with a refined ability to incite, offend and that amazing effect called foot in mouth. It is no mean task to appear and speak like a raving rabid rabbit who also suffers from vampirism sucking people dry. It requires years of hard work and dedication to become a despicable person like a douchebag. To be a part of a society with the ranks of Joe McCarthy and Nathaniel Bedford would be a most high honor in douchebaggery. Only the cream of the crom, the most loathsome douchebag can receive such honor.

Which is why I would like to nominate a world class douchebag from my homeland. Please do not be taken aback by his fashion sense. Orange is very much the new pink where he comes from. Some of you are perhaps already in love with him as he very much propagates a similar sentiment to America is for white Americans back home. In fact he kicks it up a notch. To illustrate if he were in America, New York would be declared for white Americans only and would expel all the good cabbies and replace them with pasty white dudes. I bet you are already salivating at his potential.

There is more. That useless invention of good for nothing do gooders called freedom of expression that is needlessly followed across the world. When it comes to laying the smackdown to freedom of expression, he is the boss. Forget being some ditzy blonde who burns down books like Harry Potter and such for promoting Satanism amidst the youth. In fact if he were in America, Michael Moore would really hope he had good health care for he would be in the hospital after being beaten by frenzied lynch mobs for uttering a word against the government. He has that kind of douchebagging power, you Dicks can only dream off. Why if he were here I doubt if we would have any movies to watch or books to read or CD's too listen, for all those movies, books and music is made by liberal weiners who love terror loving terrorists, bloody terrorists the whole liberal lot of them.

I nominate the stellar achiever in douchebaggery and his entire army of winged monkeys with flaming arses to join your elite club. It is my opinion that they be placed right alongside that man who called the holocaust a hoax and Ann Coulter. You may be hesitant to give him such a high honor considering he is but a newbie. I implore you to give him a chance. He has the potential that I am sure he could beat that woman who offered cake or that dude who played the fiddle. While he may not have played the fiddle, his city burns and he has made allusions that outsiders should be fed to the dogs for only an outsider would do such a thing, just like Christians burned down Rome.

With Warm Regards

Attached: His remarkable resume