What would RTH do?

That is the question.

If I were in a highschool yearbook, they would vote me most likely to die of a lynch mob. That does not prevent me from opening my mouth and serving a warm hearty cup of STFU to people who deserve it. My dark scathing humor will leave no matter of existence untouched. My innocence will touch your soul.

Welcome to a warped world turned inside out and upside down. All sorts of discretion advised.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Celebrating Aria

Sometimes I feel cold, cold to the bone like being consumed by a slow gripping fever, cold especially in the heart. It is like a blow to my guts knocking all the air out of my lungs, leaving me gasping. A week has passed on and I’m in a better place. Life goes on, happier and cheerful things fill the horizon. However, every now and then I cry, not knowing why I cry. I keep praying for forgiveness, not knowing whom I am praying to and for what. Life goes on and it will be better, I know.

Have you ever experienced true and unconditional love? With all due respect to the beautiful humane bonds people share, you’ve probably never experienced something as blissful and divine unless you’ve owned a dog. I’ve been there done that. Human relations fade and change with times, we take people for granted, wittingly unwittingly we act in our selfish interests. Love, yes we humans experience great and unparallel love. But true and unconditional love is something only our canine best friends can offer.  

So it was with Aria. For almost four years she showered me every day with that true unconditional love and devotion, with all the uncanny loyalty, companionship and faithfulness God seems to have blessed dog with. I joke about it, but sometimes I do wonder – is dog just an anagram for God, for the presence of dog can certainly make one’s life turn from mundane to divine.

Aria was a good dog, nay great, fantabulous, awesome, the bestestest, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious dog ever and doggone it nobody who knew her can deny what an electrifying full of energy bundle of joy she was. She was a magical creature, truly she was. Before her my life was mundane, boring, less than ordinary. Then out of a blue, on my whim, she was there and she turned my life upside down. She taught me to care, she taught me to be responsible, she taught me respect and a whole lot of other stuff I thought I knew, but apparently had no freaking clue about. Most importantly she made me move, she made me play, she made me laugh and reminded me over and again of that little kid forever hidden within.

Life with Aria has been nothing but incredible. Who can forget that excited, exuberant welcome home even when you were gone for just five  minutes? How can you not look into those dewy brown eyes and feel like the most blessed person on earth?

She was a one funny and interesting dog. That goofy grin of a face and those long floppy ears that made her look like Jar Jar Binks. That baying like a wolf that you hated, loved to hate, but loved incredibly nonetheless. The love for belly rubs and the ten million funny spots she had all over. That weird ummmrrrrrrm as she blissfully enjoyed a full body scratch down. How she loved vegetables and picked spinach and cheese over meat. How she went crazy over pill pockets. How she was slowly and sneakily stretched till she almost pushed you off the couch. How she would stealthily cuddle with Lucky when no one was around. How she sat on the deck hours meditating. Her uncanny ability to always lose her bone into someplace impossible to get into. Her ill luck of always getting hurt, sick or bitten and her fighting spirit to bounce right back like nothing ever happened. Each and every bit of her quirky habits was nothing but pure joy.

Of course the best moments that I will cherish forever were our two hour plus walks, wandering and exploring the nearby parks and trails, savoring every bit what the bright Wisconsin springs and summers have to offer. Laying on park benches or the grass watching the skies roll by. Or just those lazy days chilling at home on the couch. Heck, I think I will even cherish those moments when she would not let me sleep at night or sleepy walks at 2 Am because she had an upset tummy. In fact every memory of Aria will be a joyous celebration of the bond between man and canine. After all she was my little baby and angel. 

The rundown:

On Sunday October 23rd Aria showed unusual possessive aggressiveness over food.

On Tuesday October 25th she bit my grandmother (mom’s mom). Unlike ever before, I was unable to calm or control her. Took her to the emergency vet, they said nothing was physically wrong.

On Wednesday October 26th I rushed home from work because she showed unusual aggressive behavior. Took her to the regular vet, same prognosis. Scheduled an appointment with a behaviorist over the weekend. That night things went crazy. She bit my grandfather (mom’s dad), then my mom who tried to protect him. I came to help and got her sitting, but she would not stop snarling and barking. She was uncontrollable. I could not hold her forever. In the process of removing her from the room, I was bitten.

On Thursday October 27th I made the emotionally gut wrenching and difficult decision of surrendering Aria. Against my inner nature I chose my human interests and family over Aria. Had it been just me alone or even me and mom/sister we would have kept her. Unfortunately, with elderly people living in the house, people who are unfamiliar with Aria, who cannot discipline and control Aria – I could not risk anyone else being hurt due to her. It was not right. Even with a behaviorist, I doubt others in my family had the time, energy and commitment to tame a beast of a dog. I had to do what seemed right for my family.
I chose not to know what happened with her. Best case scenario she is on a farm somewhere running wildly chasing rabbits, howling with the wind, with no one to care. Worst case and perhaps most realistic scenario, she gently and peacefully drifted into eternal slumber. All dogs go to heaven and perhaps she is living the best case scenario up there somewhere. The good thing is now there is one more good reason to actually look forward to the end of life, and gosh darn it change that one way ticket to hell to a better destination.

Regrets, resentments, anger, frustration, sadness, fondness, memories, joy, happiness, optimism, hope – it’s a muddled haze of emotions and I’m slowly finding my way through. I’ll get there. I’ve not told anyone or talked much about it, other than work where I had to. My sister and mom have done most of the telling and talking. I’ve always been just that emotional wreck kind of kid who simply cannot grow up and handle tough situations and emotions. Just a lost little child who is like hold me and comfort me. Love me and tell me that I have not failed. Please distract me and make me happy again, help me in my commitment to celebrate not mourn.

Silence pierces and screams aloud. Chaos might be hard to deal with, but its really silence that can consume from within. There are miles and miles to be walked before silence slowly transcends into tranquility. I've lived and learned. Now I know why some people cherish their wounds and rather let them bleed. My wounds are healing way to quickly for me. Sometimes when all is said and done, your physical wounds are all that is left of cherished memories. Your wounds are the only way to hold someone you love. Its not pain, but happiness and love. I at least hope to see some scars forever, yep just like that goofy sprained knee that acts up now and then.

1 comment:

Jill said...

so sorry to hear about this :( I can't imagine how hard that was for you.