What would RTH do?

That is the question.

If I were in a highschool yearbook, they would vote me most likely to die of a lynch mob. That does not prevent me from opening my mouth and serving a warm hearty cup of STFU to people who deserve it. My dark scathing humor will leave no matter of existence untouched. My innocence will touch your soul.

Welcome to a warped world turned inside out and upside down. All sorts of discretion advised.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

An American Odyssey - Part Four

Part One
Part Two
Part Three 

Southern Breakfast Again!

Man, I got to hand it out to the southerners for having awesome breakfasts. Add to it the upscale elegance of a Hyatt you have another outstanding breakfast experience. Of course there were the biscuits and gravy, the love of my life. There was the usual stuff, cereal, toast, muffins, bagels, oatmeal. But then there was more, fancy scrambled eggs, pieces of juicy ham, varieties of hot sauce. Now to think of it, I think I should stay at these complimentary "BIG" breakfast places for all my travels. The rooms maybe expensive and out of budget. However, if I gorge myself on breakfast, sneak some English muffins in my pocket - I'd be saving forty dollars a day by never eating a meal. Perhaps my next travels should be titled the "Hotel Diet". I'm not a cheapskate, not when it comes to food, but the current economy deems some experiments I feel.

Everything is Big in Texas

(Even the balls it sucks)

This is the first leg of our journey that is going to be entirely in the state of Texas. The last time we were in Texas was eight years ago in 2002. Way back in the day we were enamored by this hot and sweaty state, in some sense it reminded us of India. That was when we were young, naive and innocent. Today, we have lived and grown for years in our beloved Wisconsin. We carry that Midwest in our hearts and the south is no longer as lovely as before.

For one everything is big in Texas. They don't lie, it is big. Like real fucking big to the point are you shooting the entire state with some giant growth hormones and steroids.Take their roads and highways for example. They are giant ass, stretching wide like football field. Our I-90 stretch in Chicago is a modest highway. A two lane highway till the suburbs and then four lanes in the city to accommodate traffic. Texas for some reason feels that it needs six lane highways wherever it can. Lets throw in eight for good measure in the cities. Thankfully the rural stretch between Dallas and Houston is a normal two lane highway like I-90.

Not only do they have wide highways, they have construction going on everywhere. In some places its EXPANSION CONSTRUCTION!!!! Is this where they are pouring my precious tax dollars, giving Texas a fatter, wider highway than they already have. To complicate matters even the orgies of highways are bigger, like giant anacondas writhing around in a snake pit. You could enter the highway in one lane then you have to cross six lanes in 30 seconds to get where you are going. It would be simple if people drove normal cars like the rest of the nation, but Texans drive trucks, vans, SUV and any other giant as make of car you can find in the market. I don't think you can find a single Prius or SmartCar in the entire state. I'm glad we took our Rendezvous. Had it been my little Corolla, I'd have felt like a man with a tiny penis.

The worst thing about Texas highways is that along with big highways, big intersections, big cross highways, big cars - it does not have big bold and easy signs. It has ordinary signs, nay bad signs, nay abhorrent road signs that say things like "Left lane Houston, Exit on Right, Don't change lanes, Keep Straight". Even the GPS with its picture illustrations on how to Exit in Texas is not helpful. We toured downtown Dallas and other parts of Dallas before finally catching the highway to Houston. Maybe we are just small town Midwestern hicks, but Texas sure sucks balls.

McDonald's, I'm lovin it

We had sworn no fast food during the trip. Unfortunately, we broke our own promises by eating Arby's at Little Rock. Our bigger pact was to never eat McDonald's though. The only time you eat McDonald's is when you visit another country to check on the Big Mac index and see what unique flavors the nation offers. As expected that did not last very long.

After a failed attempt to use TripAdvisor again and the lack of cooperation from parental units in being adventurous we found ourselves in a McDonald's for lunch in Huntsville. Luckily for us the south is part of a test market/special market for some new flavors. Hot and Spicy, Onion Cheddar and Cheddar Jalapeno chicken sandwiches. These sandwiches are spicy, flavorful and a delightful treat in something different at McDonalds. So even though it was lame old fast food, it was something different and we enjoyed it.

The Truffles

Ah the truffles, our mother's day gift on the road. Every woman loves chocolate, my mom and grandma love chocolates too. We got my mom a dark chocolate mint truffle, and my grandma milk chocolate truffles. My mom is a huge fan of After Eight mints, so this was perfect. Grandma enjoys milk chocolates. We should have seen this coming because women are not the only ones with sweet tooths. My sister and I had resisted like good kids and had not even asked mom for a taste of truffle, and no we had not got any candy for ourselves either. We should have seen this coming because we are the only good kids. On the road my father annexed one of grandmas truffles without even asking her, and when called out on it he claimed that it was a gift from his mother. That compelled our mother who felt bad for us to give one of her mint truffles to share. We indeed are a terrible terrible family, who buys terrible mother days gifts and eats half of it. Not my fault I say.

The South, not for us

I won't go into details and explanations, but the South is not for us. The awe that we had as teens about Houston has faded away. Theres something different about the fabric of society there and how they perceive the world. My sister and I often joke, every time we think we are swinging too far to the left - we travel and rediscover - why we believe what we believe.

Snuggling in

Three days of travel were done. We were finally in Houston with family. We would be here for a few days before we traveled again. My sister and I slept on giant air beds in a guest room. God blessed me with sleep, I blissfully sleep.

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